Nocturnal Love

I miss you when I am sleeping

nothing in my dreams can beat the feeling

of knowing that you really exist

if i fall asleep I may miss

a twitch of your hand or a smile

sleep used to be a friend of mine for a while

but you make this life too good to be lazy

im now crazy in love 

not just crazy

Thought Stream

Everybody is nobody to somebody. 

That’s the way I see it. 

Ego destroyed the human race. 

I’m so sick of the human race. That being said, I am a people person. I am completely and utterly fascinated by human behavior and have been for as long as I can remember. Don’t worry though, this isn’t some kind of scientific novel, and it’s definitely not some self-help piece. It is simply some of my thoughts and observations put down on paper. The main purpose of doing so is because when I say these things out loud, people think that I am crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I even find my life to be unbelievable at times, but those are the times I live for the most.

Have you ever thought about how big the ocean is in relation to how big we are? I don’t care how many people you have banged, or how much money you have, because in retrospect it all adds up to nothing in comparison to nature.  Say you worked at some miserable job your entire life just to have some hurricane or tornado take it all away from you in one foul swoop. There are things beyond our control that can easily take out everything that you have worked so hard to accumulate and accomplish.It’s so easy to use the judicial system when someone wrongs you, it however is not easy to take a hurricane to court.  I do not consider myself a nature person, and in no way is this about to turn into some enlightening story about mother earth. I just want to point out the sheer stupidity of the way we live and die for a dollar. I know it’s been said a million times about living for your happiness and you probably have some cheap canvas print somewhere in your belongings reiterating such a simple thought, but let’s be honest you mostly likely ignore that and keep buying useless shit and complaining about your crappy job. 

Why are we a race that is so obsessed with security? We want job security, we want love security, we want home security. Well fuck that, all i want to know is that I gave my all to the cause of having a good life. Maybe your idea of a good life involves security and if it does I am honestly not judging you by any means. We are all wired differently and we have all heard the comparison of opinions to assholes by now. I am just trying to give you a little insight before we delve into my journey of trying to prove that life is what you make it. Hey, this mission of mine could end up totally unsuccessful and it definitely wouldn’t work for most people but I believe it is the basis for one hell of an entertaining story. 

I’m the girl who doesn’t have many friends, but I have countless acquaintances. I feel bad writing this down, but I know within five minutes of knowing you whether I want to get to know you any further than an introduction. Most likely I will forget your name either way. I am horrible with names. I am brutally honest and a lot of people can’t handle it. The ones who can handle that, usually end up not being able to handle the carefree view I have of life. They usually want someone to complain right along with them about their awful nine to five job or bills, or men that walk all over them, but I prefer not to waste my breath on such matters, especially when there are so many interesting things in the world that one could base a conversation around. You bring up illuminati or aliens and I am all ears. We will be fast friends then. It’s hard to communicate with people stuck in a box that I based my whole life this far around escaping. 

I am a lonely person. Loneliness however is a state of mind. It’s void can not be filled with people, although people being around makes for a great distraction. I used to want to be out all the time when I was in a state of lonely. I would go out and get drunk and talk to strangers which is the american way. People confuse sex with love because for however long it lasts, that person is one with you and their attention is on you and in that moment you don’t feel alone. You feel wanted. It feels good. All other problems you have been facing go out the window for a while. Sex is not love though. At best, sex is on par with drugs. They are one in the same. It takes you away from reality and makes you feel good. When it is over however, you most of the time feel more lonely than you did in the first place. You feel empty, the same way an addict feels when they give up their poison. The saddest part of this whole fact is that initially sex was meant to lead to something that would cure loneliness, children. It’s amazing how many people say that they don’t want children as our society becomes more and more promiscuous. People are not drugs and they are not disposable. It’s like looking for a new partner is looking for your next fix nowadays. No matter how good the person right in front of us is, we are always looking for better. 

Quit your crying, cry baby

I just sit here in this pathetic hipster hangout coffee shop with my headphones on. The Black Keys  are making me want to cry. I feel sad sometimes. Lately things have been so good, but I can’t escape this sadness. I have the world at my fingertips, but as usual it’s never enough. I can never do enough. I have all of these amazing things happening and theres no one to sit on a couch with and smoke pot with and talk about the future. All I have is me, and this. I know that in life that is all you really ever have, but I would be a fool to deny that loneliness and success go hand in hand.That quote “it’s lonely at the top” just becomes more an more evident as the days pass. I can’t help the fact that I am a hopeless romantic. It’s my parents fault for having the most perfectly imperfect love story of all time. The top seems to be just as lonely as the bottom sometimes. I keep making the same mistake of trying to make magic out of dust. I’m a giver living in a world of takers but I still can’t seem to find the right match. I think I need to go find some glass bottles to break instead of being a cry baby. 

“Drunkenness is temporary suicide: the happiness that it brings is merely negative, a momentary cessation of unhappiness”

My head is pounding, my skin is on fire. I woke up due to the sheer heat coming off of my body, “Where am I ?”. Phew, at least it turns out that I am in a bed that belongs to one of my girl friends and not some random dude. Thats a relief at least. I try to always look on the bright side even when I feel like a burnt piece of toast. I don’t even bother trying to piece the night together because I remember enough to know that it was very uneventful. I did run into that ex boyfriend , but his girlfriend quickly ripped him from the premisis. Probably for the better. I didn’t really wish to talk to a boy whose heart I broke years ago. It would be awkward. We did have great fun together him and I though. All those acid trips, that took us on adventures through suburban Pennsylvania. These memories are all the more reason its better off we didn’t get a chance to talk because in the state I was in I could see myself getting very nostalgic and probably crying. Acid memories are always so vivid and in my experience, beautiful. All of this is really too much to think about right now. The whole reason I am sitting here feeling this miserable with a hangover is because I can’t remember the last time I had what I would refer to as a beautiful experience. .

The worst part is I don’t even really like drinking. Alcohol just acts as a buffer to talk to people that you wouldn’t have the balls to strike up a conversation with any other time, and most of the time wouldn’t want to. Our society is socially retarded so it’s no wonder drinking is the most popular activity among us. Going to a bar is basically an open invitation for men who have no chance with me to come up and try to talk to me and test how strong of a prescription my booze goggles are. Booze goggles are just a scapegoat for anything or anyone you do while under the influence. It an easier way to explain fucking a fat chick, than admitting your complete and utter desperation. Thats what I don’t like about drinking, it brings out all of those deep seeded dark feelings you keep buried in your day to day life. Nobody likes to be drunk, miserable, and alone. Thats why people take it to the level they do, if you black out, you don’t even realize that you are alone or miserable..until the morning at least. Which is where I sit now. I was glad waking up to my phone being dead and in my car because I am in no rush to find out how embarrassing some of the texts I sent last night were. I guess starting off drinking a Jameson on the rocks when the sun was still out was a bad idea…

nice shoes, wanna fuck?

I used to work at this high end restaurant on the beach in New Jersey. It was one of those places where nose bleeds were a daily occurrence and the bar was always filled with well dressed “businessmen” . This is when I made up the game of picking out all of the high-end prostitutes at the bar. It was a fun game at first but after a while it became too easy and lost its charm. Recently I relocated to Miami and I brought the game back, but it is more like one of those difficult ‘I SPY’ books because 99% of the women look like high-end hookers. It is a place fueled on fake assets and trust funds. If you are a girl willing to sell your soul in order to land yourself a sugar daddy, you should really plan a visit. Trust me I am a huge fan of fake boobs don’t get me wrong , but I am talking fake everything. Anyway the real purpose of this post is to talk about (or vent really) about the pathetic lines men use in order to throw themselves at women. For instance, last night I was working and some drunk man came up to me and the first words out of his mouth were : “I sold a Michelangelo and now I am worth billions, I support the local art scene.” Cool dude really? The first thought that pops into my mind at this point is : This poor pathetic man, he needs to talk about how much money he has to compensate for the fact that he has absolutely nothing else going for him. It just amazes me that this line has probably worked for him in the past. The majority of men in Miami are over-greased, rhinestone encrusted tee-shirt wearing, euro fools. Whatever happened to the classic gentlemen. Guys are so much more attractive when they don’t act like they know that they are hot and they shut their mouths when they are talking to me. Any smart girl knows that it doesn’t matter if you drive a Bentley, what matters is the heat your packing in your pants, I mean the motion in the ocean, I mean what?  I could really go on for hours talking about lame lines and all of the ways that men fuck themselves over when approaching women but I prefer to keep things short and sweet. I think many girls get sucked into dating assholes because they would rather have a guy that doesn’t give a fuck over a pretty boy that uses lame lines. So the lesson to this whole story men is the next time you are thinking about going up to a girl and asking her if it hurt when she fell from heaven, just flick yourself in the balls hard and keep drinking alone.